Here in Halifax

I cut a good 8 inches off of my hair the other day.

I’ve had a lot of uncontrollable change in my life these past few weeks, and felt that I needed to initiate a change of my own making.  So off to Jay Wells Salon I went,  and out I left with a brand new do.

A few days later I was in the car ranting about something that was irritating me in that moment, and dropping a number of superlatives, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stopped dead short.

That person in the mirror should not have been swearing.  It didn’t suit her.

It made me laugh really, how a hair cut can change a person’s opinion of themselves, and how I’m still just growing into (pardon the pun) my new look.  Is this something that is just in my own head, or do many people feel the same way about fitting into their image?

Lots of people decide upon an image, and change their looks to suit it, but what about when this happens in reverse?  Am I not staying true to myself, or am I becoming a me that maybe has been hidden for a while, under sarcasm, swear words, and hair?

It’s hard to say really who a person is.  I think that we all have different facets to our personalities, that are maybe hidden away at times, just waiting for a chance to come out and play.

This “new” look has been shelved for some time, but the last time it came out was probably one of the best times in my life.  Maybe that’s why I did it, subconsciously searching out that period in my life?  Maybe it’s to shed the sadness and frustration of the past year – can memories be caught up in hair?  Or maybe it’s because I need things to be less complicated in my life, and wash and go hair is the easiest choice.  Maybe it’s all of those things.

Regardless, putting makeup on today showed me that even that has to change with this new haircut, so Vicky Mina, you’ll be hearing from me.

http://www.appilywed.com

When I was a little girl I dreamed of getting married.  I had every detail planned, from flowers, to rings, to dress design, to music, to menu.  The only thing missing was the groom.  As the years passed, that staring role got recast several times, with the spot being left uncast for many years now.

However, despite marriage not being in my immediate future I can’t deny, ’tis the season for brides.

There are lots of people out there who’s whole careers are dedicated to giving men and women their perfect day, but what about the days before the proposal?  What about when you are involved with someone and you’re still not sure if they are the one?

What makes someone your ” the one”?

Its not about love.

Believe it or not.  Love isn’t the answer, because you wouldn’t even be entertaining the idea of someone being the “one” if you didn’t love them in some way.  (unless you are of course “3o Rock’s” Liz Lemon who was convinced her soul-mate was a guy she couldn’t stand simply because they had a really good Novocaine trip at the dentists office together).

faycullen.com

No the real question is, what makes “this” person out of all the others you have loved, the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?  And are your reasons and priorities the right ones? are they yours or are they just simply what you’ve been told should be priorities?

How about you?  Are you ready to be a wife or a husband?  Are you ready for the financial responsibility and challenges that come with partnering up with another person? What about your significant others lifestyle choices – are you okay with those?  Do you know what those are?  I come from a culture where we don’t normally move in with each other before marriage, so it is very easy to keep certain quarks or habits a secret from someone you are seriously involved in, and even easier to convince yourself that omission of detail is nothing like an actual lie.

Marriage is a big step, you don’t even have to be a commitment phob like me to realize that.  So before you  ask or answer “the big” question, take some time to think over the ones listed above, it may save you some anxiety and stress in your happy ending future.

I was reading an article the other day and it told the story of a woman who had made a “snarky” comment to her partner and then felt enormously guilty about it afterwards.  The article proceeded to tell the whole story, that the boyfriend had been aloof and very passive aggressive with the girl throughout the day, which then led her to make the comment and him to freak out at her.

The writer of the article, very quickly pointed out to her friend that “it wasn’t her, it was him.”

This article really hit a chord with me, as I’m sure it would for a lot of my readers.  How many times have we been in similar situations, when the people we love, and who are supposed to love us back, treat us incredibly badly.

How easily we fall victim to the trappings of people who are just not nice.  Whether it is a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a relative, or just a friend.  People treat us badly, and then make us feel like we are the ones at fault.

I can’t express enough how this so it not the case.  It took me a very long time, and a number of friendships actually, not relationships, to realize that it was up to me to break the pattern.

I remember after my first year in university sitting around marvelling at how I had managed to become friends with yet another person who treated me poorly and somehow managed to turn everything around and make it my fault.  I realized that the only constant in all of those equations was me, and that I had to learn to stand up for myself.  I had to realize that all of the people in my life regardless of the significance of their role, treated me the way I allowed myself to be treated and that “no”, not all people were going to be as respectful of me and of my feelings as I seemed to try to be of others.  Sometimes I have to bite back.

It’s a lesson that I still have to remind myself of every once in a while.

iwantclosure.com

Barbara Walters made Whoopi Goldberg’s eyes bleed during a segment about rough sex on ‘The View.’

I just saw a video clip from The View, during which Barbara Walters asked her co-hosts if they like it rough. As in do they like their sex rough. Not surprisingly, none of them would answer the question, despite Walters’ best efforts. Whoopi Goldberg was so distracted imagining her co-hosts having rough sex she said, “You made my eyes bleed!”

The crew had just been discussing the book 50 Shades of Grey, in which an innocent young woman has an affair with an enigmatic man who’s into bondage and submission. I haven’t read the book yet, so I can’t comment about it per se. What I can comment on is my speculation that it’s well on its way to becoming a runaway best seller.

It’s just too juicy to be anything less than hugely successful. If it can get Barbara Walters to ask such a provocative question on national television, it must be hitting some powerful chords. But what chords exactly is it hitting? Is it the fact that an 82 year old woman is talking about sex? Or is it about the loss of innocence?

Most likely, it’s hugely popular because it’s talking about illicit sex. It’s talking about the taboo of rough sex. Rough sex, which just happens to be the number one fantasy for both men and women. As if it doesn’t happen pretty regularly. But mention BDSM at a cocktail party and you’ll be labeled a freak in most circles.

Fantasies play a critically important role in keeping sex exciting in long term relationships. It takes work to keep sex interesting when you know a person really well. And since the mind is the largest sex organ, it makes sense that letting the mind wander and imagine would be good for your sex life.

What makes it illicit is that we forget that it’s a fantasy. We forget that we’re playing a role, that we each understand our parts, and our minds wander to the root of the fantasy. We don’t literally forget that we’re play acting, but when the mind wanders, it can pretend it forgets it’s an act. It imagines that the root of the fantasy is what’s really happening. In this case, the root of the rough sex fantasy is rape.

There’s absolutely nothing sexy about rape, but playing the edge of bondage and submission can be incredibly sexy. Anything that gets you out of your normal role can be sexy, really, but with a rough sex fantasy, things really heat up. Rough sex, or bondage and submission games, encourage you to move beyond your comfort zone. They encourage you to surrender to your partner, which requires a great degree of trust.

Personally, I think that’s the real reason they’re so erotic. They invite us to trust deeply, to open ourselves to a surrender that doesn’t feel safe in the regular world. But with the rules and agreements of sexual play acting, we’re invited to surrender; to pretend we have no control over the situation. We give ourselves permission to open ourselves fully in love. It’s incredibly erotic, and terrifying to many because of this opening.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find my hand cuffs.

 http://www.romancerecovery.com

Take risks.

I tell everyone to put themselves out there and take risks.

If you are interested in someone, let them know. We are at an age where we have to stop playing these games with each other. Gone are the days where dating is easy. Yes, there are some people I know who can flow from one relationship to another before their waterproof mascara fails, but for the majority of us out there, it is not that easy.

Dating is a competitive sport. Competition is all around us so we have to compete and do whatever it takes to get ahead. Competition is key. Besides, do we ever really want something until we have to compete for it anyway?

All this may be true, but what’s equally correct is that very rarely do we actually put ourselves in the game.

We get into a comfort zone.

We just look, we have quasi feelings, we take no risks, we move on to someone else.

Take risks, be honest about feelings, put yourself out there and fight for what you want.

I am a risk taker. I have gotten into that plane and jumped for my life. I have put myself out there. I have been brave, I have been demure, and sultry, and pleasant, and everything you’re supposed to be.

I have jumped.

I have jumped and have fallen flat on my ass every time. (good thing there’s some extra cushion there)

So.

I still encourage people to take risks.

I still take risks. When it comes to work, when it comes to money, when it comes to cards, my driving abilities. I take lots of risks.

When it comes to love, I keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.

Just for now, it really is where, not all, but these particular size nines belong.

inspired by the single woman

As women, it’s typical for us to pick ourselves apart, dissect our flaws, obsess over every wrinkle, stretchmark, or blemish. Compare ourselves to women we consider prettier, skinnier, BETTER.

We diet and pluck and wax and dye and extend and polish and cut and tan – working to cover up the things about ourselves that we don’t like.

We try pushup-bras, Spanx, Botox. We look for our reflection in mirrors that show us our faces but not our souls and gauge our level of beauty by the attention we get from men rather than the light we carry within.

We are, without a doubt, our harshest critics.

www.victoriasecret.com

As I sit here writing, a Victoria’s Secret commercial flashes onto my TV screen. “What Is Sexy?” it asks in bright, bold letters – before cutting to size 2 models in various poses of feigned ecstasy, their bottoms rivaling that of a green pea for which one is tinier; their stomachs perfectly ripped washboards; their hair long and flowing and blond and without a trace of split ends – thereby defining “sexy” as something that most of us will never attain and causing me to take a second look at my own flannel PJ pants and New Kids on the Block t-shirt.

I have to ask – What is sexy? Is it being a size 2, or just being YOU?

Isn’t it you and me in all our imperfect glory, with every flaw telling a different story?

Is it being Victoria’s Secret thin? is it the sum of all of our parts? Is it the clothes we wear, or the way we do our hair? Is it our shoes? Our makeup? Or is it having the courage to fail and still getting back up and trying again? What’s on the outside is what gets the first glance, but what holds people’s attention – what really is sexy – is the confidence and strength we have within.

A friend of mine recently told me she was planning on divorcing her husband. She had given it a lot of thought, and had come to the conclusion that she was through and couldn’t be with him any more.

I had to admit my surprise, she and this guy had been together for a little over five years and married for three, and although there were some flaws in the relationship, there really seemed nothing that couldn’t be worked through. In fact when she had called me out to meet her for a drink I thought she was going to tell me they had gotten pregnant – not breaking up! (I guess the going for a “drink” part should have tipped me off that that wasn’t the case though)

Photo: Thinkstock

“Who is?” I wanted to respond back to her. How dare she want this “happiness” she spoke of?! She has an obligation to her husband, they’ve created a life together, they own a home together, they took vows, they made promises. How could she be going back on this simply because she wasn’t happy?

It made me realize that I walk a very fine line between two schools of thought. There is a large part of me who thinks that my generation gives up too easily when it comes to marriage. There is no reflection or introspect, no working towards making the relationship work, no real honour towards the vows that were taken. But then there is an equally large part of me that thinks we shouldn’t stay in loveless relationships, or in any relationship that doesn’t bring out the best in us or make us happy.

It was hard for me to say much to my friend because part of me wanted to yell at her for giving up – I mean seriously she didn’t realize six years ago that maybe she wasn’t going to be able to spend the rest of her life with him?! and another part of me wanted to hug her and give her a high five and make a parade in her honour because we should not settle for anything less than great!

Instead I told her I was sorry, and said that if she needed anything she could always talk to me.

In the end, it really isn’t about what I think, but being there to support someone you care for – right?

What are your thoughts on relationships these days? Do we give up too easily or do we hold on for too long?

I’ve always prided myself on being a great judge of character.

In fact, my track record has only one stain in it, where someone has won me over and then in the end turned out to be a complete tool.

Originally I would take my time, and base my first impression on, in actuality, a series of first impressions surrounding a new person. I would ask myself the questions; what did I first think of this person? what do I think their intentions are? is this someone I would want to be friends with? is this someone who I should or shouldn’t trust?

As I get older though, I find that I put less and less emphasis on asking these questions, and in fact have no patience for giving people the benefit of the doubt, or the benefit of a number of meetings before I formulate an opinion of them.

The first impression now, is just that; very black and white, using solely instinct.

Is this because I’ve become an even better judge of character? or maybe perhaps because I have less patience then I once did? I’m sure it’s probably a combination of both, but regardless, here is what I know: when you base your opinion of someone from first meeting them, there are very few who can impress.

Keeping that in mind, and with the knowledge that I am pretty overprotective when it comes to my friends, I recently planned a trip to Florida to visit one of the J’s.

This J (like the other two) has been my closest friend for as long as I can remember, and has not always had a great track record when it comes to the men in her life.

In the three years since I had last gone to visit her, J had met, fallen in love with, and subsequently married a man whom none of us back home, here in Halifax, had ever met.

To say that I was nervous to meet her new husband in the weeks leading up to my trip, is putting it very lightly. Given the fact that my bullshit tolerance for people has just lessened as I’ve gotten older (and it wasn’t that high to begin with) I knew that whatever I thought of him would be determined within the first five minutes of meeting him.

What if I didn’t like him? Forget about the fact that I was going to have to spend a week of a much deserved and needed vacation in HIS home, more importantly he wouldn’t be just some douchebag my friend was dating, he would be her douchebag husband.

Lately I’ve only been meeting idiots who I have no time of day for. Sitting on the plane I couldn’t think of any one I had recently met that had really impressed me, so how was he going to possibly measure up? And if I’m being totally honest, I came in to the meeting with a lot of preconceived opinions, so already the deck was stacked against him.

I liked him within the first five minutes of meeting him.

I loved him by day 2.

And by the end of the trip, I felt like he was family – a feeling I haven’t felt for any one since first meeting that tall drink of water living up in Ottawa now.

Let’s just put it this way; at the end of my trip I felt just as sad to be leaving him as I did my life-long friend. Clearly he did something right.

So either he really is a great guy, or I’m getting soft in my old age – yeah, fuck that, clearly he’s a great guy.

Yesterday was International Woman’s Day and I must admit that the day pretty much passed by without a lot of thought or consideration to it on my part (aside from a Facebook/Twitter blast after work of some favourite quotes and tweets from the day).

So since I didn’t dedicate a lot of time to celebrating my pride in being a woman yesterday, I thought I would dedicate my weekly post to the wonderful women that I know.

I have pointed out many times in this blog that I am more of a guy’s girl than a girly girl. What I don’t think I’ve spent enough time on though, are the amazing girl friends that I have in my life.

There are the new girlfriends that have come into my life in these past few years. Those who are older than me, who bring so much wisdom and experience, and support me in ways I am so undeserving of. There are the new girlfriends who are younger than me. Who in their youth display so much confidence and fierceness that I am inspired every time I am with them.

What about the group I have been friends with since I was four years old. Together we have gone through every stage of life, all of the highlights from the first day of school, to first communion, to first crushes, and first heart breaks, to graduations, to first marriages (and some second marriages) to first children and everything that came in between. Each of these girls, and the two that joined our group in our college years, encompass everything that I admire in women. They are strong, yet vulnerable, they are brave in life (if not in horror movies or haunted corn mazes) they are hilarious, they are smart, they are kind, and they will do anything for you (even get out of bed and pick your drunk ass up from a club at 3 am because you can’t get a taxi).

Then there are my Lebanese girlfriends. It may seem silly to separate the two groups, when so many times we have all been happily joined together, but it’s important for me to do so. My Lebanese girlfriends understand me in a way that no one else can, they come from the same background as me, they understand the pressures of our community, and they silently support me in ways that only they can. They encourage me, they laugh at me, they take care of me, they yell at me in French when they are drunk (SLBP 2000, you know who you are), and they teach me every day what it means to be a kinder more thoughtful person. Their loyalty is fierce, and no matter how much time passes between visits and no matter how much life gets in the way of spending time together, when we do find the time to see each other, it’s like no time has passed at all.

Of course before any of these other ladies, there has been my family. I have been cursed and blessed to come from a long line of very strong women. Books should be written about both of my grandmothers, each the true leaders, matriarchs, of their families, in generations and from cultures where women were not supposed to be. My mother, whose intelligence, persistence and kind spirit endear her to everyone she meets. My sisters, and my sister-in-law whose beauty, brains, and long lists of accomplishments make me so proud. These three women – despite torturing me as a child – give me strength, confidence, and the ability to try without fear of failing, because when I do, they’ll be there to pick me up – and laugh at me. My niece, who is a ray of sunshine. She is the most positive, talented and beautiful teenager I know (and you know I know a lot of them) her spirit lifts me up on even the darkest day (watch the Maxwell House commercial with the little blonde girl who loves everything about her life, and you have my niece).

My cousins! — My aunts! I am literally surrounded by women who should be praised every day, not just once a year.

So yeah, I may be a guy’s girl, but I hope all of you women whom I love, realize that I would trade any of those guys for having you girls in my life. – well except for maybe P.Ju and Flipper

For something that comes around every four years, I have to admit I have been very ignorant regarding Leap Day.

I’ve lived through seven of them with no information on what the reasoning behind the day or the traditions surrounding it mean.

So for this, my eighth leap year I began to learn a few things.

Lesson #1 Leap days occur because there are actually roughly 365.25 days per year, which we round down in our calendar to make 365 days. In order to make up for these “missing” days leap year is given 366 days so that our calendar remains accurate. (really it’s just the fourth .25 that creates the whole)

When the movie “Leap Year” came out, I learned that Irish girls can ask a man to marry them on Leap Day and that they have to say yes. But of course to make things more confusing, the movie came out in 2010 – not a leap year. Without any knowledge of this movie, or me even bringing it up, my mother with great enthusiasm informed me of;

Lesson #2 on Leap Day a girl can ask any guy to marry her and he has to say “yes”. I explained that I thought it was only an Irish tradition, to which she replied – “well you have an Irish name, so maybe you should think about it.” and proceeded to list me off a few guys I could ask.

Lesson #3 according to NBC’s “30 Rock” Leap Day is a national holiday, celebrating a man by the name of Leap Day William – who wears only blue and yellow, gives out candy to little girls and boys and was played by Jim Carey in the movie. Although Leap Day William had a lot of meaning to the people of New York City in this episode, I’m really not sure what the holiday was all about.

Lesson #4 came on Leap Day while listening to the radio. They interviewed a number of people who were born on February 29 (known in some places as “leaplings”) and talked about the practical hardships they have been born on that day. For starters, insurance companies won’t easily insure them because they don’t recognize Feb 29 as birth date. All major forms of travel either air, train, or car rental, require onsite ticket purchasing because automated systems don’t have a February 29 option, and official id (which says February 29) has to match up. Making any form of travel a real nightmare. Imagine if I was born on February 29! It’s bad enough having a terrorist sounding last name – I’d never been able to leave Halifax again.

Lesson #5 where (and doing what) is best to spend Leap Day? According to my favourite family the Dunphys from ABCs “Modern Family” Leap Day is an extra day to do whatever excites you most and shouldn’t be wasted on school or routine (or ruined by all three women in the house menstruating – you really should watch Wednesday night’s episode)The Dunphy family planned to spend leap day at an carnival learning how to fly on the trapeze, when in reality, the small US town of Anthony, Texas was declared the Leap Year capital of the world in 1988. It all started when one, Mary Ann Brown and her neighbour, Birdie Lewis, both born on leap day, approached the chamber of commerce with an idea to host a leap year festival. The suggestion was accepted, and its been an event ever since.

Basically, the tiny town erupts into a playground of raucous festivity every leap day, and leaplings from all over the world are invited to join.

So however you chose to spend Leap Day I hope you had a lot of fun, for as Liz Lemon’s boyfriend Chriss always says “It’s Leap Day. Real life is for March.”