Christmas Time Is Here (Instrumental) (click to play while reading post)
Less than 2 weeks until Christmas, and once again that confusing feeling of dread and excitement is upon me.
I can’t get a handle on how I feel about Christmas.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmingly sad, that I wish I could just stay in bed and forget the whole thing, or sail away on a cruise ship to some tropic destination. Sometimes I get excited and look forward to everything about Christmas, even the snow!
I went to church on Sunday, and the priest was talking about how difficult this time of year is for a lot of people. He was listing off statistics about depression and suicide, talking about how hard the holidays are if you have loved ones who have died. All things I have heard time and time again, but this time something new dawned on me; it’s not that I dislike Christmas, it’s more that I like it too much, so much that I can never really enjoy it.
When I go on vacation, I can never really enjoy my last couple of days away. Especially that last day before I leave, it’s almost as if I know this good thing is coming to an end, and instead of being able to enjoy every last second of it, I begin to dread going back into reality. Christmas is like this for me, only the feelings of dread find me far sooner than Christmas Eve.
Making this connection forced me to start thinking about other times and situations when I do this; relationships, time spent with friends. There are times in my life that I can remember feeling completely happy, and yet in the same second that I made that realization, came the feeling of dread in knowing that it wouldn’t last.
I’m not sure how to change this facet of my personality. Maybe just being aware of it will make the adjustment easier, but until then I will try to happily embrace all of the emotion that comes my way this time of year, and realize that like so many other things, it will all be over far too soon.
