The girls were over at my place the other night.
After a few moments of small talk, and catch up, the topic turned to where it inevitably does; dating. More specifically, why the four single girls in the room (myself included of course) were still single.
The marrieds mean well, and aren’t overly smug like some other smug marrieds I know, but neither of the two who were in the room that night ever really had to work hard at dating.
One, married her high school sweetheart, who despite a not always smooth road, eventually found their way into each others arms. The other, married her best friend – without having to dip her toes too deep into the dating cesspool – when she realized that they were meant to be more than that.
I’m not trying to make light of the struggles each of these married friends had to go through, and still do on the rollercoaster ride called marriage, but neither of them ever had to sit in the trenches of the dating war for very long, if at all, so their advice…isn’t always well received.
One of the marrieds asked a very valid question; “why do we (the singles) need to wait for a man to ask us out?” The singles left in the room at that point literally shuddered, eyed each other cautiously waiting for someone to answer – which none of us actually did, instead happily allowing the conversation to flow on.
The question is a good one though – why leave it up to the guy? We (myself at the top of the list) complain constantly that guys are too chicken, or have the wrong priorities when it comes to dating, yet none of us girls are willing to “man up” if the guy choses not to.
So I decided to put my mouth where my fingers normally are, and got up the courage to ask out a guy whom I had met previously through other friends. I had only been out with the guy that one time, but we had had a great conversation and he seemed really nice, at least nice enough to go out for a coffee or a drink with.
Only one problem, I had never actually asked a guy out before.
Once I put the idea into my head, I found myself at a total loss as to how to do it, or what to say? So I decided to send it in a text, and immediately regretted my decision the second I hit send.
Unfortunately for me my common sense came a bit too late, realizing that texting is really an awful way to approach asking someone out. I have said out loud and on this site that using texting or Facebook are such cop outs – but this epiphany came too little too late.
Reading over the texts (I sent three short consecutive texts because despite my knowledge and use of twitter, I can’t seem 
to limit myself to 140 characters at the best of times, let alone in stressful situations like this one) – what I read wasn’t too bad, and hopefully showed my laid back attitude towards the whole subject. (Just to make certain though I had one of the J’s read them over)
Then I waited.
And I continue to wait.
But that really isn’t the point.
The point of this post isn’t to highlight another of my tragic failings in the dating game, but instead to highlight what I learned from this exercise in gender role switching;
1. Don’t ask somebody out in text message, or Facebook (if you must use social media, aim for What’s App or BBM at least that way you can get confirmation that they have read your message) :)
2. Don’t leave it up to the other person to make first contact, even if they are “supposed” to in your crazy traditional head. If you feel a possible connection between you and another person, it’s ok to be the one to say it first. You won’t spontaneously combust, (or even wish you had) which brings me to;
3. Making the first move and being shot down, or even ignored, isn’t the end of the world – you will survive it, and better still, you may not miss out on what could be a good thing.
Your married friends are very smart. As the youngish, single, bachelor in the virtual room, I can totally agree. If feminism is about establishing equality both socially and economically then yes women can ask a guy out. Because anything that establishes a role based on gender, “Guys pump gas for girls” or “Guys ask girls out”, is inherently sexist and should be resisted. Those two – and many other – examples have one person doing something purely based on their gender and gender alone.
Also, consider the male point of view. How daunting is it for men to ask women out? Socially speaking in this part of the world I’d argue the expected behavior is that the male asks the female out. He has to do this without being overly formal while still meeting the girls – still unknown – expectations on courting rituals. Then it is usually left to the male to plan everything and often fund said adventure. If you come from a really traditional background it might be even expected that he pay for everything on virtually all dates (maybe this is why men make more, just to fund dating, I jest I jest!) . The whole ritual of courting is about impressing the woman! The male is already supposed to be head over heels for her.
Or so we were raised to think!
Thankfully that sounds as old fashioned as it reads. Also, thankfully many men and women are waking up to realize that either is fully capable and able to fill either role. But the truly successful relationships I have seen around me are about just wanting to be with and make the other person happy. And because of that, there are no limits. A woman can ask a man out, a guy can be the family cook, a girl can take care of the car, a guy can do the gardening, etc.
Doing things for each other should have no basis on what organs are between our legs. We do the things we do because we want to for the other person and they do them for us for the same reasons. If I learned anything from the 50 years my parents have been married it is that it’s all about balance. There is no man’s work or woman’s work, it’s all about doing things for each other.
So ask that guy out. Take charge of your dating future. Have fun with it!
Better advice from Mike Falzone